Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I am an unrepentant peasant

Upping your status with the right drink:

A few things you should just avoid: white wine has a fastidious connotation unless paired with food, flamboyant cocktails (brightly-colored or served in the conical martini-style glass) lack a certain strength and at least should be ordered in a low glass, and shots or shooters say “college douchebag” in big bright letters.
...In addition to the class marker that is the drink in your hand, drinking the right thing provides a great opportunity for the type of storytelling that is the hallmark of the accomplished gamesman. Anything from “this is the drink that got us through prohibition” (anything with gin) to “this drink is the object of much national pride in Bermuda” (dark and stormy) to “this is a modern version of the first cocktail in history” (mojito), the opportunities to light up a woman’s mind with fascinating discussion of the drinks, their regionalities, and their histories are manifold.
I can confirm from personal experience that this works. The history of alcoholic beverages is fascinating in its own right, to say nothing of how decent story telling will significantly up your game. Badger describes the gin and tonic as a "pedestrian choice," and I can see his point. It's still my go-to hard alcoholic drink of choice. I once regaled the bar with the story of how the humble gin and tonic strengthened an empire. The British were being ravaged by malaria in India. Quinine was unpalatable to put it mildly. The solution to this dilemma was the gin and tonic.

"No way man. Imperialism is bad," said one older gentlemen.

"Fuck that shit," I wittily replied. "The British gave India the English language and common law. Charles Napier knew the proper way to do multiculturalism when he said, 'This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation has also a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. My carpenters shall therefore erect gibbets on which to hang all concerned when the widow is consumed. Let us all act according to national customs.'"

Vox calls out beer drinkers as illiterate peasants of hearty English and German stock as opposed to the more civilized French and Italian wine drinkers. As it happens, I am of hearty English and German stock and I am an unrepentant beer drinker. To be sure, you don't want to raise your brotastic beer shield, even among friends. If I'm drinking beer at a bar, I sit outside, lean back, arms spread wide, feet splayed, wear a look of bemused contempt, master of all I survey. And there are some very bad beers out there. My preferred beers are either Newcastle or Dos Equis. If they're available I will purchase a Trappist ale. I'm always willing to do my part to support our religious.

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