Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Wrasslin' Review, Monday Night Raw, 4/29/13: Everybody Hates 3MB

The greatest match of the night was Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes. If anyone from WWE creative ever reads this, take note: that match was great because both men were allowed to showcase their wrestling ability. Orton is an outstanding athlete in his own right, but what makes him such a good superstar is that he allows his opponent to shine if given the chance. Orton dominated the early part of the match but eventually it went back and forth. Rhodes managed to escape the RKO and turn it around into his own finisher, the Cross Rhodes. And Orton kicked out! The RKO is an awesome finisher because Orton is so good at landing it at the most unlikely times. Rhodes attempted a jump from the top turnbuckle to finish off his opponent, but Orton caught him in an RKO. From the top turnbuckle. The outcome of this match was predictable but it was a fun ride. I think everyone is in accord that making Raw go for three hours was a bad decision. They're not going to change that any time soon. The product would be immensely improved if they followed the template set by Orton and Rhodes: have fewer matches but make them last longer. Fewer squash matches and comedy segments, more epic battles like these.

John Cena the character is insufferably stale. The Super Cena persona reached its sell-by date in 2009. John Cena the man is one of the best men in the wrestling business. By all accounts he's a genuinely likeable guy. Even I'll admit it was heartwarming to see him do that for those Make-a-Wish kids. The Eliminator, Nick the Stitch, and Lightning Logan then proceeded to jump 3MB and lay them out with steel chair shots. Just kidding. What actually happened was The Ryback came out to deliver his finisher on them, but the kids sandbagged him and he couldn't lift them up. Just kidding again. See, WWE creative should hire me.

This article is representative of what's wrong with WWE these days. Cesaro, along with Ziggler and Bryan, is one of the top in-ring wrestlers on the roster. Last night he got a jobber entrance. I've never seen it but apparently he has a yodeling gimmick now (thumbs up to Michael Cole and Bradshaw for getting a Slim Whitman reference into their commentary.) Is Cesaro in the dog house? Did he violate the wellness policy? No. Creative just doesn't know what to do with him. They can't make up their minds for longer than a week at a time.

The Shield gave a promo taunting the Undertaker. They were interrupted by 3MB of all people. They said they had unfinished business with the Shield and proceeded to dash inside the ring where they got their asses kicked. Cue Team Hell No's music. Kane and Bryan sprint to the ring while the Shield beats a hasty retreat. Kane and Bryan then beat up 3MB. JBL asks if everybody hates them to which I reply, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

The show opened with a triple threat match between Big E Langston, Zeb Colter, and Ricardo Rodriguez. That went about as well as you'd think. I never, ever want to see Rodriguez in tiger print pants again. They need to give Dirty Dutch Mantell more time on the mic.

Let's see, what else? Later in the night, Swagger squashed Zack Ryder. Mark Henry had a tug of war contest with Tons of Funk and Sheamus while Cole and JBL showed off their impressive knowledge of tug of war trivia. There is no reason on God's green earth why they should have brought out poor Khali for a dance off with Fandango. The dude can't move at all anymore. And Natalya deserves better. It made for a good bathroom break if nothing else.

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