Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Monday Night Raw, 5/13/13: A set of steak knives for this man

It occurred to me when I stumbled into work bleary eyed, mumbly, and wickedly hung over that I should write my reviews of Monday Night Raw while I'm actively getting smashed. I failed to write a review for last Friday's Smackdown because I fell asleep during the last half hour of the program (that was all on me, not WWE. This time.)

I'm glad they've paired Jericho with Faaaaandaaaaaangooooo. Jericho has been making the newcomer look good in all of their matches, and Johnny Curtis is already no slouch in the ring. But a dance off? What is it with Vince McMahon and dancing? Now that I think about it, there's probably always been at least one wrestler with a dancing gimmick on the roster ever since I started watching WWE with my dad back in the late 1980's. I'll admit I enjoyed Rikishi and 2 Cool. Summer Rae is a handsome woman as good old JR might put it, but I prefer Fandango's older dancing partner. Damn.

Zack Ryder jobbed to Ryback in about a minute and ten seconds. I'm surprised WWE didn't censor the chants of "GOLDBERG" from the crowd. Physical resemblance aside, Ryback is no Goldberg. WCW was smart with Goldberg. They built him up over the course of nearly a year before he got his first title shot, picking up some lesser titles along the way. Ryback had a series of squash matches and suddenly became a main event headliner. And lost every PPV. John Cena doesn't take The Ryback seriously. Why should we? We already know how their match on Sunday is going to play out, don't we? Super Cena overcomes impossible odds and an excruciating injury to his Achilles Tendon for a come-from-behind win with the 1 2 3 BY GAWD BY GAWD MRS. CENA'S BABY BOY HAS DONE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR 28 TIME WWE CHAMPION SUPER CENA!

Teddy Long came out and much to everyone's surprise did not book a tag team match. Dolph Ziggler suffered a concussion last week on Smackdown and he is officially out for this Sunday. It certainly didn't hurt his Twittering any. I don't have Twitter but seriously, Dolph stole the show last night and he wasn't even on the air. Joey Styles said he was considering taking a shot every time Michael Cole said "WWE App." Good call Joey. That would be too much even for me.

The Prime Time Players defeated Tons of Funk. Moving on...

Kofi Kingston vs. Damian Sandow. Sandow holds his mic like a snifter of fine brandy as he employs his sesquipedalian locquaciousness to inform us, the unwashed masses, of the depths of our intellectual ineptitude. And then goes on to job to Kingston. Kofi is where he is because he's a great athlete but mediocre on the mic and doesn't have the acting chops to play a convincing heel. Solid, solid mid-card guy. Sandow is good and the ring and awesome on the mic. I hope his career takes off this year.

Sheamus and Mark Henry vigorously horse whip each other with leather straps. Henry's come a long way from the days of fathering hands.

Randy Orton beats Antonio Cesaro in another throw away match. Cesaro had a great match with Kingston last week on Main Event. Here Orton pretty much destroyed him in less than five minutes. What was the point of that? I've heard rumors on the internets that, Vince and Triple H aside, WWE management finds him boring. Creative thinks like this: "Antonio Cesaro is too boring. What we need is MORE KHALI."

The Miz defeats Heath Slater. Is Miz a face or a heel now? It's hard for me to tell the difference just because I find his character so irritating. "Really? Really? Really?" Knock it off. Be a man and call him out immediately: "You sir are a damned liar or you are delusional."

John Cena and Team Hell No take on the Shield in a six man elimination tag team match. Excellent, excellent match with the Shield, as always. They lost as a team for the first time but they got the last laugh by giving Cena the triple power bomb. I give Super Cena a lot of heat (some clever fan held up a sign which read "Seen Enuffa Cena") but he sold this match well, I thought. Kane got himself disqualified. Bryan got pinned after some excellent team work from the Shield. Cena faced them three on one. Reigns got himself disqualified. It was a believable finish to a good match. Well done.

Jack Swagger vs Big E Langston. This match was a rare heel vs heel match. The crowd seemed dead but once in a while they chanted for Swagger. Decent enough.

AJ Lee beat Natalya with a... interesting submission hold. Divas matches these days are generally underwhelming but they're even harder to watch when AJ is in the ring. Natalya is an Amazon and AJ is what, 5'2" and 100 pound soaking wet?

Triple H gave a promo inside a steel cage. Sure, why not? They didn't convince me to buy Extreme Rules.

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