Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Monday Night Raw, 5/20/13: the start of this moment is the genesis of Curt Axel

My predictions for the Extreme Rules winners were 99.9% accurate. Technically, Cena vs. The Ryback was a no contest, but Cena retained his title so he can be considered the winner. Whatever happened to "Last Man Standing?" Ryback was the last man standing was he not?

I, Beefy Levinson, have a WWE exclusive. Everyone knows that Joe Hennig, son of Curtis "Mr. Perfect" Hennig, grandson of Larry "The Axe" Hennig, is now Paul Heyman's new client. He's been on WWE before as Michael Migillicutty. His new ring name is Curt Axel as an homage to his father and grandfather. Heyman sold it as well as he could. Choosing his client's new name was no easy task. I have here the official list of other possible names the two considered:

Slab Bulkhead, Fridge Largemeat, Punt Speedchunk, Butch Deadlift, Bold Bigflank, Splint Chesthair, Flint Ironstag, Bolt Vanderhuge, Thick McRunfast, Blast Hardcheese, Buff Drinklots, Crunch Slamchest, Fist Rockbone, Stump Beefknob, Smash Lampjaw, Punch Rockgroin, Buck Plankchest, Stump Junkman, Dirk Hardpec, Rip Steakface, Slate Slabrock, Crud Bonemeal, Brick Hardmeat, Rip Slagcheek, Punch Sideiron, Gristle McThornbody, Slate Fistcrunch, Buff Hardback, Bob Johnson, Blast Thickneck, Crunch Buttsteak, Slab Squatthrust, Lump Beefbroth, Touch Rustrod, Beef Blastbody, Big McLargehuge, Smoke Manmuscle, Beat Punchmeat, Hack Blowfist, Roll Fizzlebeef

Triple H came out to bury the newcomer. First he told him to be quiet because the adults were having a conversation. Then he slaps Terse Driveshaft hard enough to knock him down, and tells him that he's going to kick his ass. Later on that night, he did. Or did he? This is the second night in a row where WWE has ended a match with no clear winner. They didn't even bother with a false finish. They just decided, "Nah, that's enough wrestling for now." This is a new degree of burial. Triple H couldn't even be bothered to pin the man clean. I think I know what they're going for though. Axel gets to claim he "beat" Triple H, so he looks good. Triple H gets to claim he fought while concussed or whatever, so he looks good (which would be silly because Ziggler is legit concussed, but WWE booking.) Axel gives a promo next week calling Triple H a wimp. Triple H comes out and beats him up for ten minutes. The Cerebral King of Asskicking Games is desperate for that teary farewell from fans before he retires for good, eh? Look WWE Creative, this isn't that hard. If you want a new guy to get over, have him win a clear victory over the veteran. Focus on the new guy celebrating his victory. Don't declare a no contest and focus on the old guy who is now an executive within the company. If you don't want the new guy to get over, then why the hell do you people even bother? You people are supposed to tell us compelling stories, not give us weaksauce endings like these. Send me my paycheck Vince.

Swagger has officially been demoted to midcard status by jobbing to Randy Orton. He still has awesome music and the best manager.

Let's bask in the aftermath of that glorious six man tag team match. The Shield members are further refining their individual wrestling styles, but the whole is still greater than each of the parts. Daniel Bryan will never be the face of the company because he doesn't have the kind of physique that Vince McMahon likes, but he is without doubt the most over guy in the whole WWE. Think of him like the Mick Foley to Austin and Rock. He's the best pure wrestler on the roster and his promos are gold, every time. He needs to resume his singles career but I hope he and Kane remain friends. Or at least as close to friends as they can be. I don't know who is protecting the Shield in creative, but I pray their guardian angel continues to protect them in this company that delights in burying new talent.

Ryback opened the show by riding in an ambulance to the ring and calling out John Cena for an ambulance match. Later on in the night, Cody Rhodes defeats Zack Ryder. Ryback comes to the ring to destroy Ryder again and then dump him in the ambulance. The ambulance then backs out of the arena. I feel bad for the driver if he had to stay in the arena for the whole night.

Big E Langston won clean over Alberto Del Rio. Thus are sown the seeds of the future Ziggler/Big E split.

This company...

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