Friday, May 3, 2013

Wrasslin' Review: Friday Night Smackdown 5/3/13

The Ryback, misunderstood steroid genius, began the night's festival of flying fisticuffs by squaring off with Daniel Bryan of Team Hell No. Before he doffed his knit cap of evil The Ryback treated us to another promo which was second only to Damian Sandow for sesquipedalian loquaciousness. The match was decent. I'm used to seeing Ryback in nothing but squash matches on free TV but he actually had to work for this victory. He looked good out there. WWE is trying to build him into the next monster heel. Smart move to put him in the ring with Bryan. Having him win clean over a popular face makes him look good which he desperately needs right now. I don't think Ryback has won any of his Pay-per-View matches.

Next was Faaaaaaaaan daaaaaaan gooooooo vs. Zack Ryder. I was about to describe Ryder as a jobber to the stars but he's more like a jobber to the midcard. Ryder no longer spikes his hair and Josh Matthews speculated that it's part of a larger self-improvement project by Ryder. It's supposed to make him more aggressive. Cue JBL ruthlessly ribbing him, asking if he goes to his barber and requests the aggressive haircut. I remember the back and forth of the announcers better than the match. It was pretty much just another opportunity for Fandango to show off his impressive in-ring skills against a punching bag.

Kaitlyn got another note from her secret admirer. The Great Khali offered her some thoughtful advice on how to deal with this anonymous paramour. At least that's what we're supposed to believe. Only God and Khali himself understood a word that came out of his mouth. I needed a bathroom break anyway.

I was happier than ants at a picnic with good old JR's barbecue sauce when they finally put Zeb Colter back on the mic. He and Jack Swagger are supposed to be right-wing heels, Tea Partying boogeymen who hate immigrants and librul America. Naturally I like them a lot. Dutch even called out the reporterette as being a member of the liberal media who lie and distort the facts. It turns out Colter was sick last Monday! He was wrestling with a bad knee, a fever, the sniffles, lung congestion, and probably a stroke too. Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Tell her what's what Dutch!

That interview was the lead in to a match between Zeb and ADR's buddy Ricardo Rodriguez. As if I needed another reminder that WWE gives not a rat's ass what I think, RR was in his tiger print pants again. Swagger and ADR accompanied their pals to the ring. Dolph Ziggler joined the broadcast team at ringside along with AJ and Big E. You can see where this is going, right? They got me though, and in the best way possible. Zeb's pretty up there in years and RR is no wrestler so it wasn't long before Swagger and ADR got involved leading to a disqualification. Who should come down to the ring but the man, the myth, the legend, the grandaddy of all us playas, Teddy Long! HOLLA HOLLA! Four men in the ring at odds with one another... there can be only one solution:

You said it playa! So now it's ADR and RR vs. Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter! I lol'ed when Dolph described it as "Classic Teddy." Dolph and Big E interfere leading to another disqualification. Hold on though... six men in the ring who all have irreconcilable differences? This looks like a job for...

Now it's a Triple Threat tag team match! Ziggler taps out to ADR's cross arm breaker. Maybe I'm too much of an old school Attitude era fan, but aren't heavyweight champions supposed to win matches?

Next was Randy Orton vs Damian Sandow. I was disappointed Sandow didn't talk on his way to the ring. He makes me feel smarter just listening to him. Sandow adds some much needed class to all of us unwashed masses who still watch wrassling. He even holds his mic like it's a snifter of fine brandy. Solid workmanlike performance from both these guys. You don't need me or anyone on the internet to tell you who won. Big Show came down to the ring afterward to taunt Orton who was distracted long enough for Sandow to jump him again. Big Show has an infectious laugh. By the end I was laughing at Orton too.

Next Mark Henry challenged Sheamus to an arm wrestling contest. Sheamus seized the opportunity to troll Henry again by Brogue Kicking him into next week. What is the point of this feud? Isn't Sheamus the face? Then why is creative making him look like such a dick? I do hope Henry challenges Sheamus to a spirited game of caber tossing next Monday.

Finally we had the Shield's Dean Ambrose vs. Kane. Kane delivered a nice promo beforehand saying that he was going to take as many of them down into hell as possible. Awesome match. Ambrose won clean via pinfall. Afterward Kane challenged all three of them at once. Kane got his ass kicked and the Shield held up his tag team belt. Put it on them WWE. Put it on them.

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