Let me warn you from the start: I'm about to drop a whole lot of trigger words and microaggressions. If you're bothered by them, I don't care.
Yesterday morning I won $7000 on a scratcher. The first thing I did was drive down to Costco to stock up on whiskey in bulk. But as I was carrying my purchases out to my car, some vibrant youths bumped into me - possibly on purpose - and I fell down, breaking some of the bottles and soaking my clothes. After explaining to them the error of their ways (I realize I was taking my life into my hands) I began to make my way home. I was so upset that I failed to notice that I was about twenty above the speed limit. One of Sacramento County's finest pulled me over. Already in a bad mood, I wasn't as respectful as I could have been. The deputy sniffed as soon as I rolled down my window.
"Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" he asked.
"Yes I have," I replied.
"Could you step out of the vehicle please?"
I passed all of the sobriety tests with flying colors. Confused, the deputy asked, "Sir, I thought you said you had been drinking tonight? I can smell it on your clothes."
"I have been drinking tonight. The finest Diet Coke served on tap at Jack in the Box."
"You son of a bitch," the cop said.
After I rolled my bruised and battered body out of bed this morning, I made several appointments. Later this morning I'm getting gold rims on my car. I'm also having a guy make me some customized brass knucks, with "THUG" on one and "LIFE" on the other. After that I don't know. I'll probably light a cigar with a burning $100 bill just to say that I have. I definitely need to stock up on more Lucky Strikes and PBR. I'll use whatever's left to pay off my gambling debts. Beefy Levinson is living the American dream baby.